Greeting

Dear First Lady, my dearest Jill! (Or, perhaps, Melania, depending on the news cycle, a girl just can't keep track of who's who anymore with all this excitement!). I hope you're having a simply divine holiday season, despite the swirling vortex of current events that seems to be doing its very best impression of a toddler after too much sugar and a misplaced toy. Take a deep breath, dear one, we need to talk.

The Situation

Now, I simply must tell you about the latest festive fireworks from Mar-a-Lago. It appears our dear President Trump decided to bless us all with a truly unique Christmas message. Imagine, if you will, a holiday card that instead of glitter and good cheer, came stuffed with accusations and a side of political skirmish! He launched a rather spirited attack, accusing 'many Sleazebags who loved Jeffrey Epstein' of various misdeeds. Oh, the drama!

And here’s where it gets wonderfully, tragically comic, First Lady. Amidst this impassioned declaration, he managed to take a swing at one 'lowlife “Republican,” Massie!' Now, I had to double-check my glasses, because Rep. Thomas Massie, bless his policy-wonk heart, was the only Republican who actually co-sponsored the Epstein Files Transparency Act. Yes, the very law compelling the Department of Justice to release all those unclassified documents. It's like accusing the firefighter of arson for showing up with a hose!

Mr. Massie, with the grace of a seasoned chess master, retorted with a delightful sarcasm. He essentially said, 'Merry Christmas to you too, Mr. President! So, I’ve teamed up with radical left Democrats to expose… Democrats. This 4D chess is fun!' Can you just imagine the holiday dinner table after that?

He even tweeted about celebrating Christmas with family, only to have his phone alert everyone that 'the most powerful man in the world' was attacking him for fulfilling a campaign promise! It's enough to make a girl spill her eggnog!

But wait, there’s more to this festive frenzy! Our President is apparently scheduling two emergency summits next week right there at Mar-a-Lago. First, a pow-wow with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy, and then a very serious meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. The stated goal? To halt two wars he, well, hasn’t quite managed to end yet. It's like trying to juggle flaming swords while simultaneously baking a soufflé.

Dear, Please Help

Now, my dear First Lady, this is where you come in, a beacon of calm in a sea of holiday headlines. I have a few suggestions, purely from the heart, for soothing the presidential brow and perhaps redirecting some of that boundless energy. Perhaps a giant jigsaw puzzle of the world map? He could solve global conflicts, one interlocking piece at a time, away from the Twitter-verse.

Or, what about a truly luxurious, extra-large, velvet-lined weighted blanket? Just the thing to swaddle away the stress of perceived 'radical left witch hunts' and the perplexing complexities of bipartisan cooperation. And for those urgent summits, maybe a lovely set of matching stress balls for all parties involved? Something squishy and presidential, perhaps in gold?

And for Mr. Massie, bless his politically counter-intuitive heart, perhaps a gift basket filled with artisanal cheeses and a note from you, praising his dedication to transparency, regardless of who he teams up with. A little acknowledgment goes a long way, especially when one is being publicly roasted during Christmas. Think of it as diplomatic outreach, but with more brie.