Greeting

Dear First Lady, my dearest beacon of composure in these delightfully chaotic times, I hope this letter finds you well-rested and perhaps enjoying a quiet moment with a genuinely factual newspaper. Because, darling, after the latest press briefing, I'm pretty sure my coffee machine just started quoting Winston Smith, and I need you to know what's happening!

It seems the White House has embarked on a bold new era of... shall we say, alternative economic reporting, and my little heart can barely take the dramatic tension. It’s like a particularly thrilling episode of a political drama, but with more numbers that simply refuse to behave!

The Situation: Statistics Gone Wild!

Picture this, First Lady: Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, standing at the lectern on December 11, 2025, with an air of absolute triumph. She declared, with all the confidence of a magician pulling a rabbit from a hat, that inflation had "slowed to an average 2.5% pace" and that "real wages are increasing roughly $1,200 dollars for the average worker." My dear, my eyebrows nearly flew off my face!

According to the actual, non-magical data, the inflation rate for September was a cool 3%, not 2.5% (Source: Economic Data Analysis). And as for those soaring wages? CNN’s own David Goldman reports that the past year has seen the "lowest annual paycheck growth that Americans have had since May 2021." It's a bit like claiming your soufflé rose when it actually collapsed, isn't it?

Then, when a perfectly reasonable question was posed, instead of answering, Ms. Leavitt pivoted! Not to another topic, but to a rather pointed critique of her predecessor, Jen Psaki, accusing her of "utter lies." It was a moment that frankly left me sputtering into my tea, wondering if I'd accidentally tuned into a historical reenactment of a very specific novel.

Orwellian Whispers in the Briefing Room

Indeed, First Lady, an astute historian noted that listening to these "facts" felt eerily similar to the Ministry of Plenty's pronouncements in George Orwell's "1984." You know, where "fabulous statistics continued to pour out of the telescreen," assuring everyone that everything was whizzing rapidly upwards, despite all evidence to the contrary!

Ms. Leavitt repeatedly insists that President Trump is the "most transparent president in history," even while defending his "Quiet, Piggy!" dismissal of a journalist. My dear, in this context, "transparency" seems to have taken a leisurely stroll through a funhouse mirror, emerging as what Orwell so eloquently termed "doublespeak."

It’s the kind of linguistic gymnastics where words perform the exact opposite of their meaning, allowing one "to know and not to know, to be conscious of complete truthfulness while telling carefully constructed lies." Think "WAR IS PEACE" but for economic reports. It’s quite the intellectual workout, isn't it?

There was even a rather audacious claim regarding the Epstein files, suggesting this administration has done "more with respect to transparency" than any other. Even The Guardian called it "fabulously audacious." Oh, my stars! It seems the truth has become less a solid foundation and more a whimsical suggestion.

Dear, Please Help!

So, First Lady, here's my humble, caffeine-fueled plea. We need your calming influence! Perhaps a lovely floral arrangement for the press briefing room, subtly shaped like a giant abacus, to encourage a return to numerical accuracy? Or maybe a "Reality Check" cookie platter for the press corps? A little sugar might help digest those "fabulous statistics."

And for the President, bless his heart, perhaps a quiet evening with a documentary on the joys of verifiable data? Or even just a very soothing, very factual bedtime story. We simply can't have him thinking the world is a giant game of "let's make up numbers!"

Could you perhaps introduce a "truth serum tea" during briefings? Just a subtle brew, mind you, that encourages everyone to speak with unimpeachable accuracy. A little something to inspire clarity, because frankly, my dear, the current linguistic acrobatics are giving us all a headache!