Greeting

Dear First Lady, I hope this finds you amidst a serene moment, perhaps with a calming cup of herbal tea. Because, darling, the internet is at it again, and frankly, I think someone needs to put a tiny, sparkling velvet cover over the President’s "send email" button for a little while. We have a situation!

It seems the digital ether is absolutely buzzing, not with delightful hummingbirds, but with a rather urgent — and slightly chaotic — fundraising email from our esteemed President. It’s making quite the splash, much like a confused flamingo in a very small pond, and I felt it my civic duty, fueled by precisely two cups of coffee, to bring it to your attention.

The Situation: A Digital Tsunami of... Checks?

Picture this, dear First Lady: a digital alarm blares across the nation, warning supporters that Democrats are poised to snatch away their precious "tariff rebate checks" unless, and this is the crucial part, a donation is made within the hour! The email declared, with all the subtle grace of a marching band through a quiet library, that "Troubles are BOILING OVER" and screamed, "Dems want to send your check to illegals if you don’t respond in the next hour!"

Now, this whole "tariff rebate checks" idea is a fascinating one, floated by President Trump earlier this month. He suggested the government would subsidize payments to Americans, much like the pandemic funds, to soften the blow of his "Liberation Day" tariff plan. It sounds rather grand, doesn't it? A generous gesture from on high, like a shower of golden confetti.

However, the moment this concept twinkled into existence, a different kind of magician appeared: the scammers! Oh, they were quick, quick as a hummingbird to a sugar feeder. Within hours, they were already calling unsuspecting citizens, promising unclaimed "tariff rebate checks" worth up to $5,000. It was a veritable scam-a-palooza, blossoming from national confusion like weeds after a spring rain.

What makes this truly, wonderfully, dramatically rich, dear First Lady, is that the President’s own fundraising language is alarmingly similar to these very scam callers. It's like finding two identical kittens, one purring for affection and the other demanding your social security number.

His team, bless their enthusiastic hearts, seems to be gleefully joining the hysteria, rather than tamping down the confusion. It’s quite the dramatic flourish, wouldn't you agree?

Another missive even asked recipients to "confirm" their names for these checks, boldly stating it was "the only tariff rebate email authorized by President Trump." The fine print, however, revealed it was paid for by "Never Surrender, Inc.," a super PAC, and clarified it was not official U.S. government communication. It's a bit like buying a luxury car and finding out the engine is powered by wishes and hopes.

And, if we’re being entirely honest and a tiny bit academic, economists are politely but firmly pointing out that the whole "tariff rebate" concept is, well, a touch nonsensical. Tariffs are generally considered taxes paid by importers and then passed on to consumers, not some magical revenue stream that fills a giant money pool for rebates. But that hasn't deterred the President from confidently asserting his administration has reaped "millions"—or perhaps "billions"— from this particular trade strategy.

Dear, Please Help: A Gentle Suggestion

So, dear First Lady, here’s where your unique brand of presidential calming could truly shine! Perhaps a serene chat about the importance of clear communication? Or maybe, just maybe, a gentle suggestion that fundraising emails avoid language that could be mistaken for a very insistent telemarketer offering free cruises to the moon?

You could perhaps entice the President with a new, equally grand project, something that involves less digital panic and more… say, painting a very large, soothing landscape? Or perhaps a new initiative to teach everyone the difference between an official government communication and a plea for immediate funds that sounds suspiciously like a Nigerian prince with a new domain name.

I envision you, with a calm smile, offering him a delightful new hobby: maybe competitive stamp collecting? Anything to divert the boundless energy away from email campaigns that, inadvertently, echo the very scams we’re all trying to avoid. Think of the peace and quiet!